The Triumphant Return!

Last night I had the distinct "pleasure" of watching "The Glamorous Life of Sachiko Hanai". The basic outline to this story is that a call-girl ends up in the wrong place at the wrong time and gets shot in the head. Miraculously, she survives this episode, and is made something of a genius because of the bullet in her head. She was shot in the head by a man who was paying $300,000,000 for what we later find out is a clone of President Bush's finger, which could be used to set off bombs or some other horror. Sounds interesting enough, right? Let's begin.


This movie loves ejaculate. Let's just get that out of the way right now. The top two pictures are from the first scene of the movie. She's "tutoring" a client, and he somehow manages to cum at least a gallon on her. Obviously faked, as if you look closely you can see two distinct streams at once, and unless the Japanese have figured out something that I haven't, that's not possible. The bottom two occur just after she's shot in the head. You cannot fault this girl's work ethic, as just after getting shot in the head, the first thing she does is find a guy to fuck. This man is a cop, apparently, that keeps yelling out "I'm not kind, okay?! I'm not kind, Goddammit!" He then cums on her face. The bottom left is a POV shot of Sachiko, and you can tell what the bottom right is. It troubles me, though, that the first thing I thought was, "Man, if I was a guy and that hole was there, I would've aimed for that."


This man was easily the best part of the movie. Once she's made a genius, she goes to see him to talk about Philosophy. They end up having sex, but only while talking about Kierkegaard or his personal favorite, Chomsky. The man loves him some Chomsky. The best part, though, was the bottom right image. The man comes down in what looks like panties while humming the death song from Swan Lake. I think the "Are you surprised" is slightly an understatement.


This is where things got interesting. She realizes that she has a clone of Bush's finger, and it follows her around, talking to her through a TV. Bush suddenly says, "Now I'm going to inspect you! I'm not waiting for the UN's decision!" and the expected happens. Somehow the finger, uhm, invades her panties? And yes, the finger is red, and its nail is indeed painted in the style of an American flag. While the finger is giving Sachiko what appears to be a fabulous orgasm, the video Bush is saying things like, "Is it getting better and better? This is the Bush technique!"

In the end, the girl realizes she has to die, and she uses this strange Russian thing and the finger to set off bombs, shortly after being asked out for Chow Mein by a hot Asian Surfer. The movie really made no sense at all, and I cannot imagine anyone actually watching this in a sexual manner. There were a few pictures that I wanted to talk about but that didn't fit into the theme sections above, so here's the miscellaneous ones!


Want to know the strangest thing to say mid-orgasm? Read the caption of the top left. Sachiko's senses are messed up by the bullet, and she feels things about half an hour after they happen. Half an hour earlier, Philosophy guy tried to have sex with her, and at the point of that photo, she's just then feeling it. The top right image I still don't really understand. Those people had nothing to do with the movie, but I love the face on that guy. He looks like he's pondering the existence of the universe while this woman goes down on him.

Alright, softcore makers of the world, listen up. I've ranted and raved about how odd it is that so many softcore movies feature death as part of their storylines. I cannot imagine how you might think that people are aroused by this at all, but this movie is no exception. The woman has a bleeding bullet hole in her head, and at the moment the bottom left picture was taken by me, she was being screwed by the "I'M NOT KIND!" guy. How do you keep having sex with someone when they look like that? Also, stop putting rape scenes in your movies. While I am aware that there is a small population of people turned on by death and rape, these people are not the majority. Let's review: Death + Rape + Softcore = BAD.

Finally, you have the bottom right. I was taking notes while watching the movie, and here's what I wrote: "OH MY GOD SHE JUST STUCK A PENCIL IN THE HOLE IN HER HEAD. I can't even bear to take a picture of that. OH MY GOD HOW IS THIS SUPPOSED TO TURN ANYONE ON?!" and then later, "OH DEAR GOD NOT AGAIN! WHY IS HE PUTTING THE FINGER IN HER HEAD-HOLE FOR HER?! HOLY FUCK!" Yes, that's right folks. The first thing she did when she realized she had a head-hole is stick a pencil in it. The bottom right is the only image I could bear to take of it, and it is more of a diagram than anything else. They don't even do a cut away, they show her sticking it in there, close-up, and I almost cried.

That's all I've got for you folks. Next up on the list to review is "The Killer Tongue", a reader (Mario) recommendation! If you, or anyone you know, knows of any terrible softcore movies I should review, let me know!